[SOL - outside the holocabana. Mike walks up with a furtive look on his face. After glancing around to make sure no one else is around, he hits the door button and sneaks inside. ] [Holocabana - interior] MIKE : Magic Voice, begin program "Cell Game." [The holocabana is quickly replaced by a tranquil countywide scene. In the middle of this peaceful view is a large courtyard made from close-fitting stone blocks. A tall, tapering spire marks each corner of the arena.] MIKE [now dressed in a dark blue bodysuit, white boots, gloves and breastplate]: Now to have some fun! [Mike walks out into the center of the area and assumes the classic Vegita 'power-up' stance.] MIKE: Eat this, Saban! KIIIIYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [Insert generic Dragonball Z Super Saiyajin transformation scene here.] [commercial] SOL - bridge. Crow is fiddling with a computer when Tom wanders in.] CROW: Once your software has detected the new soundcard, restart the system. I've done that! Three times already! TOM: Hey Crow, have you seen Mike? CROW: Uh... now that you mention it, no. [Lights dim momentarily.] TOM: Um... what was that? CROW: Dunno, but Freeza and Kooler are calling. [hits button] [DEEP 13] Doctor F: Well, well, if it isn't androids 21 and 22. Where's the Monkey King? [SOL] CROW: Got me. TOM: I haven't seen him for a couple of hours. [vo]: SUPER VEGITA BIG BANG ATTACK!!!! [The lights on SOL go out.] CROW: Aw poopie. [commercial] [SOL- Bridge. All the lights are out, and everything is being lit by red emergency lamps. Tom and Crow are staring at Mike, who is looking quite shamefaced.] TOM: Just had to run "Cell Game" didn't you? CROW: You know that thing draws _way_ to much power! MIKE: Sorry guys... I... well... I ... [DEEP 13] Dr F: Enough! Well, you Unheroic Trio, I have a new fanfic for you to Tsui down on! It's an "Oh My Goddess!" story from Mike Franklin that promises "some really good fan fiction!" [SOL] TOM: That's "Ah! My Goddess" you unskilled hack! CROW: Cool! A fan-fic with Urd! ^_^ MIKE: Down boy. [DEEP 13] Dr F: Send them the tape, Frank! FRANK: By your command, King Cold! Dr. F: Gyahhh! [SOL - Lights and buzzers] ALL: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!! [...1...][...2...][...3...][...4...][...5...][...6...] [Mike and the bots enter the theater] Oh, Brother MIKE : "Oh dear." by Mike Franklin CROW: Ben Franklin's younger brother. TOM: Any relation, Nelson? MIKE: We share the same first name, sue me. Keiichi Morisato couldn't get any studying done. He was even alone in his room, but the arguing of Urd and Skuld echoed throughout the house. CROW: Wabbit season! TOM: Duck season! CROW: Wabbit season! TOM: Duck season! He heard Belldandy trying to settle them down, but to no avail. MIKE : Now, now, we all know it's baseball season. Trying once more to turn his complete attention to his books, Keiichi blocked them entirely out of his mind. Then he heard another noise. Turning around, he expected either one of his friends to be at the door of his room, CROW : "Heeeeere's Johnny! but saw that it was still closed. He then looked towards his mirror. Yup, it was glowing again. TOM: Yeeaagh! MIKE: What? TOM: I just had an image from _Adventure Kid_! "Maybe I should just take that out," he thought to himself. Suddenly, a force bolt flew out at him, causing him to duck. It hit his desktop, blowing his study notes to pieces. "My notes!" he shouted, looking at the smoldering remains. CROW : "Great! Now I'll *never* remember which hand is left and which one's right!" Quickly spinning around to see what had come through this time, Keiichi saw nothing. Was it just a force bolt? Who would have sent it? MIKE: Especially at this hour? Squirming back around to go back to his slightly misordered and charred notes, he shouted, scrambling backwards at the sight of a colourfully clad male sitting on his desktop. He had short black hair, and had rectangular markings adorning his forehead and cheeks. TOM: He must be a pedigree! "Hey, sorry about your notes, kid," he said. "But that's the downside to faster n' light spiritual power." MIKE : "Plotting a jump to lightspeed ain't like dusting crops boy!" "W-Who are you?" Keiichi asked. TOM : "I am the past Lo Pan, come back to haunt you!" CROW: Whoa, easy there big fella. "I'm Taruchi. God, second-class, limited. Monitor ranking." MIKE: Uh oh... who wants to take the self-insertion poll? CROW: Yep, sounds like it. TOM: Aye. MIKE: Same here. All right we are all agreed, Mike Franklin is hereby found guilty of one count of blatant self-insertion. "Monitor ranking? What is that?" CROW: It's the final, super-secret level of Doom II. "I'm allowed to monitor different spiritual planes. What do you think?" CROW: Can you pick up the Playboy channel? MIKE: Not while I'm around you won't. TOM: How about Comedy Central? MIKE: Who? TOM: Heh, that's right, I meant the the Sci Fi Channel. CROW: That's 'Science Fiction' you ingrate! MIKE: Enough, back to the fan fic. Taruchi said, picking one of Keiichi's books, aweing at the hole burned through it. "I've also got a direct connection to the Almighty." TOM: You know Bill Gates? CROW: No, the *author*. "Yeah, right. You're lying. That's why your second class limited," Keiichi said, not impressed by Taruchi's explanation of his powers. MIKE: That makes two of us. CROW: Three. TOM: Four. Taruchi was silent. Bringing both his hands up in front of his face, they glowed, then fired an even stronger force bolt directly at him. TOM: Hikeeba! MIKE: Hadouken! CROW: Kamehameha! TOM: Fanboy. Taruchi flipped his dark black bangs out of his eyes, TOM [camp]: "Bang, bang! Ooh-hoo-hoo, I'm so wicked!" CROW: Never do that again, Tom. MIKE: Isn't it against the Anime Code to take the hair *out* of your eyes? looking down at the near-unconscious form of Keiichi. "Does that feel like I'm lying?" MIKE : "Which one of you said that?" TOM : "No, that feels more like I'm in great pain." MIKE: Anyone wanna take bets that Belldandy kicks Taruchi's butt when she finds out? CROW: Depends, is this anime Belldandy or manga Belldandy? MIKE: Manga. BELLDANDY: "Awww... am I *really* that scary?" MIKE: How does she *do* that! Suddenly, Keiichi's door opened, revealing all three goddesses. Skuld screamed with joy. "Taruchi! Big brother!" CROW: "... is watching you." MIKE: Obviously 'Ignorance is Bliss'. CROW: That's 'Ignorance is Strength'. MIKE: Not if you're Mike Franklin. TOM: Whoa, whoa! What's this 'Big brother' crap!!! CROW: Uh... Tom? You okay? TOM: Look, Belldandy, Urd and Skuld are based on the Norns of Norse mythology. Their original names are Verthandi, Urthr and Skuld. [Smoke begins to pour out of Tom's head.] They are the Norse version of the Greek Fates, who are Cloth, Atropos and Lacheses. In this case, Urd represents the past, Belldandy the present and Skuld the future. They are a trinity of female deities and should *not* have an older brother, especially an older brother with a fake-sounding *Japanese* name! MIKE: Whoa, easy there Tom, here have a crunchy RAM chip. TOM : T-thanks, Mike. CROW: Nice rant there, Tom. She ran over, embracing him tightly. "You've come to save me from Urd!" MIKE : "You're going to get me out of this fanfic!" "Umm.... yeah...," he replied, rolling his eyes. TOM: Out the door and down the hall. CROW: Eeeyeeeww! What a nice mental image Tom! Urd was frozen in fright. "T-T-Taruchi." ALL : "B-b-b-b-bad!" She tried to move past both her sisters to get out the door. Belldandy spoke. "Why are you really here, Taruchi?" MIKE: Because I'm a meaningless self-insertion with no other purpose but to act contrary to the entire continuity of the "Oh my Goddess!" universe. "After Yggdrasil crashed, I couldn't do my monitoring job anymore. TOM: I told them Win97 wasn't ready for instillation, but would they listen to me? Noooo! CROW: Oh, I suppose you would have preferred them to use System 8? MIKE: Enough! I had the choice to be transferred, or to move directly to the place I was monitoring." TOM : Wrong! If he's a god second class, then he shouldn't have been monitoring them at all! Belldandy said so when Urd showed up! MIKE: Tom, remember what you told me about trying to continuity check that BGC-Star Wars fanfic? TOM: That it was a waste of time? MIKE: Yep, same thing here. "Then you don't need moon rocks to recharge your powers?" she asked. MIKE: Naw, I just drop acid every once and awhile. BOTS: : Where did *that* come from? "Nope. But I do need this." CROW: What, a 110 to 220 voltage convertor? TOM: Senzu seeds? MIKE: A green lantern? He held up an orange crystal charm hooked to a necklace. "This is pretty much a mini Yggdrasil. Although it only works on me. CROW: Oh, convenient that! If it gets removed from my neck, I'll lose all my powers and turn into.... Well, you know." CROW: Yeah... 'you know'. TOM: Know what? MIKE: Something so unspeakably horrific that the writer couldn't think of something to put down. Keiichi got up off the floor, rubbing his head. "What? What do you turn into?" MIKE: A frog! TOM: A gremlin, but only if you feed him after midnight. CROW: One of the Spice Girls. TOM: *All* of the Spice Girls! MIKE: Ack! A fate worse then death! "You don't want to know." CROW: Sure we do! Tell us! Tell us! Taruchi saw Urd escape from his sight. "Well, I'll be staying for a while, so I'll have time to talk later." MIKE: But right now I have to engage in pointless abuse of a major character. Both Skuld and Belldandy nodded, letting him leave to catch up to Urd. Urd sighed her relief. She couldn't deal with Taruchi. ALL: Neither can we! She treated him just the same as she did Skuld. TOM: What? I think we have a serious grammical error there. CROW: Yeah, Mike Franklin decided to write this story. "I've been watching you, Urd." CROW: Big deal, so does everyone else. TOM : "Every step you take, every move you make. I'll be watching you..." She spun to see her brother standing at the door. "And I want you to stop your senseless plotting to get Keiichi and Belldandy together until I can investigate Keiichi myself. Not one little spell or potion, okay? TOM: Asking Urd not to meddle in something is akin to herding cats. It can be done, but it's not worth the effort. You know what'll happen if you disobey me, right?" CROW: Urd'll get a spanking? MIKE: Cool it, Crow! Urd gulped and nodded quickly. Taruchi smiled. "Now then, that's out of the way. How's my little sister doing?" TOM: Since *you* showed up? Miserable! The End CROW: Yahoo! We're free! MIKE: Ah... hold it there, we're not out of this yet. Truth CROW: : "You can't handle the truth!" by Mike Franklin TOM: Who obviously has *no* clue as to how the "Oh, My Goddess" universe operates. MIKE: Yeah, it's sort of like Ratliff and his Marisssa stories. CROW : Nothing is like Ratliff and his Marisssa stories! Taruchi swept his hair back over his ear, as he was watching a bit of TV. MIKE : Heh, I'm cool, I'm hip, I'm what's happenin'. Coming up behind him, Urd stopped suddenly from her running pace. "You're still watching television?" she shouted at him. TOM: Well, they call it the idiot box for a reason. Taruchi nodded affirmatively, uttering no words. Reaching over casually to the bowl in front of him, he took some chips from it and ate them. "But I want to watch something!" Urd yelled again. "When this baseball game is over, you can." "But when it's over, my show'll be over!" MIKE: Uh oh, Urd's been cut off from her soaps... That's like turning of the life support in the ICU. TOM: I think Urd has a 3d6 Hourly Dependency to 'TV'. CROW: Now who's the fanboy? "Then there's nothing to be argued about," Taruchi completed, still not taking his attention away from the sports on TV. In a beserk fit of rage, Urd fired a force bolt at him. It exploded in a huge burst of light, ALL: Yeah! Go Urd! then receded, showing Taruchi still laying there, TOM: Darn. occasionally taking a chip out of the bowl in front of him. The only difference was that his hair was parted differently. Urd, suddenly realizing what she had done, began to slowly step backwards out of the room. Her elder brother turned his head slowly and looked up at her. Taruchi smiled, then chuckled. MIKE: (Michael Buffer voice): LLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMBLE!!!!!!! The white haired goddess quiveringly smiled back, laughing as her voice cracked. TOM: And fell to the floor. There was another enormous explosion and Urd's limp body careened through the roof, then splashed into a nearby garden pond. CROW : Beefcake! Beefcake! Beeeefcaake! TOM : Yeah, I'm so buff I have to blast people through the roof instead of the walls. MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, the 'Southpark" sketch. "2 down and two strikes for Itsuo. He's got to pick it up right now if he hopes to win." The sopping wet sounds of Urd CROW: Oh yeah! ^_^ MIKE: Cool it, Crow! walking into the kitchen CROW: Darn... made Belldandy turn around. "We've got to get rid of Taruchi," Urd stated, wiping her wet hair out of her face. MIKE: Amen to that! TOM (preacher) CAN I HAVE A HALLELUJAH, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!! ALL: HALLELUJAH!!! "What? ALL: She said 'We've got to get rid of Taruchi'!!! Why? MIKE: Why? Because we like you. He's doing a great job fixing the house up." CROW: Great, it's Taruchi in "This Old Temple". "Only cause he breaks it," Urd mumbled, shaking the excess moisture from her clothing. TOM: Like she should talk. Taruchi came up behind them. "There's a hole in the roof. I'm going to go fix it." "Really?" Belldandy said, surprised. MIKE: Naw, I was just kidding. "Thank you, Taruchi." TOM: And you, and you, and you! Urd kept her back to him, and didn't say a word. Smirking, the elder male left. Breathing relief, Urd spoke. "Geez. I don't know why he's here, anyway." MIKE: Like I said, to slap around the major characters and act totally out of character for "Oh, my Goddess"! "He said he had some vacation time. It's good of him to spend it with his family," Belldandy replied, returning to her cooking. TOM : Yeah, like blasting Urd through the roof is spending quality time with the family. "Hm. I don't believe that one bit." A simple task, fixing the hole in the roof, Taruchi thought to himself. He had to only places the boards in the correct spot, then use his magic to put the nails in. Shingles were done in the same way. MIKE: Obviously, Taruchi has never watched "Home Improvement". He sat down on the roof, letting his hair fly in front of his face. Casually looking down to the pendant at his neck, he noticed it glowing dimmer than before. TOM: Must be suffering from a memory error. MIKE: Naw, disk fragmentation. CROW: Problems with the system heap. He'd used a lot for such a simple task? CROW : Power, Scotty! We need more power! No, part of that was the disciplinary action against Urd. MIKE: Crow! CROW: Whaaat! Boy, he could sure go for a cold one now. Suddenly, Taruchi spotted a girl sitting at a booth at the side of the street ahead. TOM: Don't do it Taruchi, 10 bucks says it's Leona gettin' ramen! It was a sake cart. TOM: 'Sake cart'? Exactly _which_ Japan is this? MIKE: You suppose we should tell him that sake is served hot? She sat there, laughing at another male who was slumped on the ground. CROW: Hahaha! Neanderthal man! Can't make fire! Can't make spear! Can't hold his sake! Taruchi called the spirits of wind and sound to let him hear what she was saying. TOM: Sony! CROW: Panasonic MIKE: Memorex! "Bwa ha ha! No one 'kin beat the great Sayoko at drinkin'! No man, woman, or *hic* child!" MIKE : Hmmm... sake. That's what she thinks, Taruchi thought to himself. There was a huge sound that rattled Belldandy out of her sound sleep. CROW : WAKE UP!!! MIKE: Never do *that* again. CROW: Sorry. Keiichi had been out with his friends, was he coming home now?, she thought. MIKE: Nope, he's wisely decided to abandon this fanfic. There was another crash. "Hey! Who put thish garbage can 'ere?!" MIKE: Great, a cameo appearence by Foster Brooks. No. That was Taruchi. Grabbing on her robe, she ran out into the hall. "Brother?" TOM: Can you spare a dime? Taruchi was on his hands and knees, and looked up at her. "Hello Bell... Belldandy... How are you... this... this... Hey, issit mornin' or night?" TOM : This is 'really good fan fiction'? CROW: It could be worse, we could be reading Oscar or Bane's stuff. ALL: Belldandy sighed. "Taruchi, you're drunk." "No, no. I'm not. Jus' needed a little drink *hic*." MIKE: You know, I'd like to say something funny here, but... She pulled him up onto his shoulder. "Then th' little drink turned into a medaum sized drink... then a big drink." TOM: I can't beleive I drank the _whole_ thing! Shaking her head, Belldandy spoke again. "You don't really have vacation time, do you?" CROW: Naw, he's just slacking off, just like the rest of Congress. MIKE: Boy, are _you_ cynical! Taruchi hiccuped again and looked downwards, away from her. "No." "Your drinking problem?" CROW: Yeah, Taruchi got two hands and only one mouth. TOM : Hohoho... very funny Crow. "Yhesh." MIKE: Somehow, I fail to see the inherent humor in someone suffering from a drinking problem. Belldandy pushed open the door to Taruchi's room with one hand, then lay him onto the futon in the middle of the room. "We'll talk about this in the morning," she said, then noticed he was already asleep. The End MIKE: Whew, we lived! CROW: Yeah, that wasn't too bad. TOM: It wasn't too good, either. MIKE: Well, let's get out of here. [Exit theater] [SOL - Bridge. Mike and the Bots are grouped around the main console. Mike hits the button to Deep 13.] TOM: I tell you, that had _nothing_ to do with the "Ah My Goddess" universe. [DEEP 13] Dr. F: Well my little pot-stickers, who was the fanfic? [SOL] MIKE: Lousy. CROW: Yeah, we didn't get to see Urd in a bikini! TOM: Bad grammar, spelling mistakes, a general lack of continuity to "Ah! Megami-sama", gratuitous self-insertion... CROW: ...pointless abuse of Urd... MIKE: ...introducing a new relative of the goddesses that acts out of line for the universe... TOM: ...alcoholism... CROW: And what about Scarecrow's brain?!" MIKE: I think we've lost momentum guys. [DEEP 13] Dr. F: Hahaha! I see we have a winner! Well, you may have survived this one, but just wait, there are more from where this came from! Hit the button, Frank. FRANK: KA-MA-HA-ME-HA!!! \ / \ / -- O -- FFIIIIISSHHHH / \ / \ DR. F: Oww... Credits Department: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. MSTed by Michael Surbrook susano@otd.com Visit Surbrook's Stuff! A Hero System/Champions source (especially for anime and manga material) at http://www.otd.com/~susano/index.html "Hey, sorry about your notes, kid," he said. "But that's the downside to faster n' light spiritual power."