Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000 Post 103: Dark SVAM, Chapter 2 Original story by His Imperial Highness Exdeath the Destroyer MiSTed by: Alicia Ashby Jamie Jeans Tim McLees Mike Surbrook __________________________________________________________ Hell had a surprisingly nice kitchen. It was fully equipped with all sorts of wonderful amenities you wouldn't expect a group of evil overlords bent on subjugating all creation through atrocious fan-fiction would think of, everything from an espresso machine to a wide selection of springform baking pans. While this had often made the stay of the four fairly average (semi-)adults who were trapped there far more tolerable, they could no joy in their cooking utensils today. For today was the day that they would not only receive their torment for the week... it was the week they finally got part two of *that* fanfic. At the moment, the captives were sitting around their nice oak table, each nursing the beverage of their choice. Jamie was sulking, as Jamie was wont to do; Michael seemed unusually irritable, Tim was somewhat withdrawn, and Alicia... well, she was deep in thought, which was not usually a good sign. "Hey, guys, this just occurred to me... you know, we're really overreacting to this whole Dark SVAM thing," she announced rather confidently. Jamie responded by sulking a bit more aggressively. "I *don't* like that story..." "Well, sure, sure... we're not *supposed* to like it, right? It's an anti-fic! But we lucked out... we got written by some guy whose most vicious insult to us was to put us in really goofy rip-off of 'A Sorceror, a demon, and Emeralds' with a mildly wrong sex scene patched in," Alicia continued. "I mean, there's a lot worse that could've happened to us, right?" Tim pondered that point for a moment. "That's true... this story's nowhere near as bad as, say, 'Agony in Pink', or 'Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday', or even 'Ami-chan'. It's more loopy than anything else, once the shock value wears off." "By 'loopy', you mean 'crap', don't you, Tim?" Mike asked nonchalantly. "Well, *yeah*, but..." "Right!" Alicia beamed happily. "So, we should all really cheer up, because we could be reading an unauthorized self-insertion story that was a whole lot worse! Something like, oh... 'Lynxara's Initiation into the Review Council!'" "S-VAM! Disrobe!!" Tim suddenly shouted. Jamie blinked and looked up, staring at him. "Uh... okay... Tim?" Tim suddenly seemed a bit embarrassed, and shrugged to Jamie. "Look, I don't know, it just *seemed* appropriate..." "What? Lynx gets boffed by the council and ends with huge tits?" Michael asked. "Probably," Alicia replied. "I'm just wondering who'd get the nineteen-inch unit." She pondered for a moment, then continued on. "Hey, how about this... 'Susano+Jolt!' " Michael promptly did a beautiful spit-take, and Jamie turned an interesting shade of green. "'SVAM: The College Years!'" "I didn't go to college!" Michael pointed out. "Gah! Whoa! Bad memories!" Jamie commented, holding his head. "'Go, SVAM, Go!'" "In which me discover that Lynx is hollow?" Michael asked. "'Coming of Meganehausen!'" "I wonder if 6.7 means the amount of tentacles Megane would have," Jamie pondered. "Didn't we already read that in part one?" Michael snickered. "'Seth Triggs' Journal!'" "Sailor Pidge's wacky adventures!" Tim observed. "'Virgin Warrior Tim McLees!'" Tim's reaction to that was, understandably, stunned silence. "Bet that pretty much well describes *your* love life, eh Tim," Jamie smirked. "Really? That true Tim?" Michael managed to deadpan. "Look, do either of *you* have girlfriends?" Tim asked. The other two men mumbled quite a bit, but never managed a coherent reply. "Then shut up." Alicia, however, seemed quite proud of herself. "Guys, guys! Come on, we stick together and this fic can't touch us! I mean, we know how much worse it could be now, right?" That's when the kitchen's cute little 14" white TV clicked abruptly on, showing the evilly grinning face of Dr. Clayton Forrester as he stood with the other members of the Secret Society of Mads in Deep 13. "And so do *we*, boobies. We taped the whole thing, and it should prove *most* useful to us." "Genius! Pure *GENIUS*! My muse has returned to me!" Oscar could be heard exulting in the background. "Hmmm... I should be able to afford a commission for the rest of these," Rufus Shinra mused. "Heidegger! Get PJurado on the phone!" Alicia turned away from the monitor briefly to glance at her friends, and was met with three cold, hard, unforgiving stares. "Ahm... heh..." she started. Dr. Thinker cut her off, though. "But we know with these icky at this moment the lemons more station of that fine... he that we took with that we are the hour for you the measured value Exdeath!" "Yes... it's a work of pure evil that makes even myself feel somewhat humbled," Vince McMahon added with a tear in his eye. "So, as usual, bite down hard, G-Force. Frank, send them the fanfic!" Frank moved to push the button, but then Dr. Forrester stopped him. "No... no, I *know* this will be the day that *breaks* you. After all, you'll* be seeing Dark SVAM 2 this fine afternoon... so I'll *PUSH THE BUTTON MYSELF!* GYAHAHAHAHAHA!" The Doctor continued to cackle madly as he activated the Ficsender. "You know, I'm worried about him," Vince sighed. "Must be the stress. I mean, how long has he been trying to make this idea work?" Rufus replied as Hell's warning sirens and klaxons went off. "I'll do it this week... we've got POST SIIIIIGN!!" Michael yelled. [6-5-4-3-2-1] ALICIA: Here we go again... >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ JAMIE: Wow... that corn sure has grown higher since the last time we've seen it. TIM: It's harvest time! > >DARK SVAM > >Chapter TWO ALICIA: All together now... ALL: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! > >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ MICHAEL: Grass needs cutting... ALICIA: All these fields... it's like watching Manos. > > Crowbar ran into the rebel war room at top speed, >and skidded to a halt in front of the council table. TIM: My name is John Hurst, and I'm the fastest MiSTer alive. MICHAEL: Losing a tire, John then crashed through the guardrail and exploded in a ball of fire. The End. ALICIA: So, what's on Raw? > "Hey, Jolt, guess what?" MICHAEL : You're pregnant? JAMIE: You're going to learn how to knock? > Jolt looked up from his reading. MICHAEL : "Spanking Lesbians?" Jolt, shame on you! >"You're going to learn to knock?" he asked wryly. JAMIE: Ack! Don't do that! > "No!" Shouted Crowbar, hurriedly. ALICIA : Courtesy is for wussies! JAMIE: I see *someone* has been dipping into my special brew of coffee. >"We have a visitor, and he wants to join up! TIM: His name's Matt Lesko, and he's got exciting suggestions on how we can make money. MICHAEL: Join up? Why? You falling apart? >He says his name is Acid or something." ALICIA : Acid R. Something? Hmmm, that sounds vaguely familiar... > "Wants to join? JAMIE: He must really be desperate. > Interesting. Send him in." > Crowbar turned toward the door. "COME ON IN!" he screamed. TIM : Jeez, Crowbar, *I* could have done that. ALICIA: Tonight the role of John Hurst will portrayed by Loud Kiddington of 'Histeria!' fame. MICHAEL [standing and shouting]: JACK ACID, COME ON DOWN! YOU'RE OUR NEXT CONTESTANT ON DARK SVAM II! JAMIE [puts his hands over his ears]: Owie... my ears. > Jack Acid entered the council room and looked around. >"Hey, nice digs," he said. ALICIA : You can barely notice the urine scent, and your roaches are remarkably well-behaved! >"So, you're Jolt? JAMIE: No, I'm Surge, Jolt's replacement. Of course I'm Jolt! >You run the place, I heard." >Jolt stood up and extended his hand. ALICIA: GO GO GADGET HAND! JAMIE: You know, I never knew I could stretch that way. >"Yes, I'm Jolt. And you are?" MICHAEL: Tired of this farce already. > "The name's Acid. Jack Acid, at your service. ALICIA: Yeah, yeah, shaken-not-stirred. We get it. >I wanna join up." > "Got any qualifications?" MICHAEL : I can seduce anyone... *anyone*. ALICIA : Well, I came in second at the State beauty pageant, I look good in a bikini, and I've done lots of charity work! How's that? MICHAEL: Really? Alicia, can we test that bikini part? ALICIA: No. > "Well, I've swung a knife or two." JAMIE: That's it? TIM : Look out! He's got a knife! MICHAEL : That's not a knife! *This*, this is a knife! > "That's it?" Jolt asked skeptically. JAMIE: ACK! Stop repeating everything I say, you idiot! TIM [turns to Jamie]: You do realize what you just said, right, Jamie? JAMIE: Yes I do, don't rub it in. > "Bah, no respect at all. I'm probably the best fighter for a >hundred miles in any direction." ALICIA : And I make a really kick-ass souffle! MICHAEL: Jack is also a master of humility. TIM : And I can shoot lightning out of me arse! > "Well, we can always use some more help." Jolt said, grinning. MICHAEL: In more ways than one, based on last episode. JAMIE: After all, we need *someone* to clean the toilets. >"You're in." JAMIE: Just like that, eh? God, you're an idiot. ALICIA : It's a slow day, the rebellion can take a walk-in or two. Oh, security? Pfft, we've got no use for that. TIM: Jack could probably sneak into GI Joe Headquarters too. ALICIA: Who *couldn't*? I mean, the Baroness got in there every other episode! Hell, *I* could sneak into GI Joe Headquarters! [Tim pauses thoughtfully, then pull a form-fitting black outfit and a pair of round-rimmed glassed from beneath his seat] TIM: Say, Alicia, would you consider... [Alicia promptly brains Tim with the Mighty Foam Bat of Justice (TM)] TIM: ... I guess not. MICHAEL: I don't get these young people today. > > Later, the council room was filled to capacity, JAMIE: Hmmm... must be a pay per view. >as the rebels attempted to come up with a plan >of attack. MICHAEL [making hand motions]: You are required to manuever straight down this trench, and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The shaft is ray-shielded, so you'll have to use proton torpedoes. ALICIA: That's impossible, even for a computer! TIM [shrugs]: I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-Sixteen back home, and *they're* not much bigger than two meters. JAMIE: The 'Star Wars' skit, ladies and gentlemen! > "Quiet!" Jolt shouted. JAMIE [once more puts his hands over his ears]: Dammit! Does everyone have to shout? MICHAEL: WHAT? >"Okay, guys, I think it's fairly >obvious what needs to be done, right? TIM : Just superjump before the last room, walk over to the warp room, and defeat him on the last level. Simple! JAMIE: You guys go and sacrifice yourselves while I run away like a sissy man. >We have to rescue Lynxara, that's all there is to it." MICHAEL: And restore freedom to the galaxy!!! ALICIA: Yeah, I'm sure that version of me would be a *real* asset to the rebellion. She'd have the entire begging and whimpering department covered! JAMIE: Jesus, this incarnation of me sure is desperate for some tail. MICHAEL: Well... Lynxara *has* a nice tail. ALICIA: If that's some kind of pun, Mike... > "I agree with thee, Jolt," said J-Boogie. "We must rescue fair >Lynxara from the clutches of foul Shinji!" [MICHAEL snickers.] TIM [J-Boogie]: Tis I, the Funky Thunder of Rokugan! Boo-yah! JAMIE [laughs]: Oh gods... yes, J-Boogie! We must sacrifice ourselves for one person! Now you go out there... ALICIA: Guys, this is starting to scare me! We're three pages in and the only characterization that Exdeath has managed to massively screw up is CrowBar's! >He then brandished his bokken, dramatically. MICHAEL: Hey! Put that back in your pants! > "Sit down, jackass," KungFuFooey snarled, throwing a beercan >at J-Boogie. ALICIA [blink, blink]: Ah... never mind. >"Yeah, we're the >toughest sons of bitches on the planet, JAMIE: Tough in the 'wet tissue paper' sort of way... >but it ain't no way we can get into Shinjitropolis, past all >of Shinji's guards. ALICIA: Then you're not *really* the toughest sons of bitches on the planet, now are you? >And that's the bottom line." ALICIA & JAMIE: Cause KungFuFooey said so! MICHAEL: KungFuFooey 3:16. TIM: He struck me as more of a Ric Flair kind of guy, for some reason. > "Calm down, KFF," said Jolt, smiling. "*We* aren't going at >all." ALICIA : I just felt like calling a big meeting to mess with everyone's heads. There's no rescue mission! You can all go home now! > "What's your idea, Jolt?" asked Crowbar eagerly. JAMIE: My idea is for you to lay off my special blend of coffee. MICHAEL : I'm calling up Central Casting to send over some redshirts! > "Well," Jolt began. "Since all of us can't get past Shinji's >guard forces, I've decided that only Samantha and I will go. TIM [sniffs]: Is that a lemon set-up I smell? MICHAEL: Aw, Jolt's just trying to get Sam alone for a few hours! JAMIE: Shut up before I hurt you, old man. >A small group isn't likely to be noticed, right?" MICHAEL: Bets? ALICIA : And if we get killed, it's not like it's a big loss to the rebellion or anything, right? > "That's insane!" a voice yelled. MICHAEL: The voice of reason! TIM : Your prices are so *low*! ALICIA: A truckload of chairs then cascaded from the ceiling, killing the rebels and burying their bloody, broken corpses. The End. JAMIE: So, what's on Raw? >Jolt turned to the source of the interruption, and Ling Ling Li >stood up. MICHAEL: Wow... must be cold in there. >"Jolt, two people trying to get into Shinjitropolis? You'll both >be killed!" TIM : And if that happened, you'd *die!* ALICIA : That's the *idea*, Ling Ling... > "Ling Ling," Jolt sighed. "I suppose you have a better plan?" JAMIE: Well, of course she does. She's the best fixer in Hong Kong. > Ling Ling blinked for a moment, then sat down. "No, sir," she >mumbled. TIM : Crumbling to your will, sir... MICHAEL: When did Jolt get the Aura of Smooth? JAMIE: Around the same time that CrowBar became as fast as the Flash. > "Well then," Jolt concluded. "If there's no further >objections, Sam and I are MICHAEL : ... getting married. See ya!!! >leaving tomorrow morning." JAMIE: In the morning? Leave now, you idiot! It's dark and it'll be easier to sneak by the guards! ALICIA: So who's in charge of the rebellion now? CrowBar with his Super-Action Loud Voice Powers? TIM : Off to our deaths we go! HOTCHA! > > Susano walked into Shinji's throne room. MICHAEL: Uhoh... JAMIE: Shouldn't that be throne*less* room? >"You wanted to see me, my Lord." he said. ALICIA: Michael Surbrook, in a role that won't really surprise you. JAMIE: Hey Mikey, you're a minion. Happy now? MICHAEL: Dunno, do I get raped by Megane? >It wasn't a question. JAMIE: Thank you for that wonderful insight. MICHAEL Cool... I get to be a badass in this fic! > "Ah, yes, Susano," Shinji hissed, TIM : Ahhh...Meester Surbrook! JAMIE: First he's a Saiyan, then he's a snake. Make up your mind. >turning to face his Field Marshal. "I want you to take your >ground and air forces and go into the Great Forest, after the >rebels." ALICIA: Damn, Shinji! That's brilliant! *Attack* the rebels, and you just might kill them! JAMIE: My god! Shinji has more brains then Dark Sonic! Amazing! Next we're gonna see him *torch* the great forest! Yes! Burn baby burn! BWAHAHAHA!!! > Susano's eyes glowed for a moment. MICHAEL: I must be in god-mode. JAMIE: You know, Mike, I got some Visine if you need it. >"Yes. I am to go there, though we don't know the location >of the rebel base," he droned. TIM : Whatever. MICHAEL: It's on Dantooine! JAMIE: Looks like old age got to Mike. All he can do is read what's on the cue cards. MICHAEL: Alicia? Can I borrow your bat? ALICIA: Be my guest, Michael. >"To make the rebels believe we do, so as to act as a diversion >while we attempt to obtain the Sword of Omens, which will let us >find the rebels." JAMIE [blinks]: Okay... now I'm positive Mike has lost his mind. TIM: Why don't I just use the *soldiers* to track the base down...? > "Susano," Shinji said dangerously, while rising. ALICIA [sighs]: I *knew* we'd gone too long in this thing without a lemon scene... TIM : Susano, I find your lack of faith *most* disconcerting... >"I've warned you about mind probing me." JAMIE: Thank god it was only Shinji's mind Susano *probed*. MICHAEL : Now why would I want to do that? TIM: I'd rather not discuss probing any further, thank you very much. > "You will not punish me, because you need me, and you know >that I would not stand for it." JAMIE : So there! Neener neener! TIM : You're... mocking me, aren't you? > Shinji's eyes narrowed for a moment, then he laughed. "You've >got guts, Susano. Now, get out there and get going." TIM : Run along you little scamp! Ha Ha! MICHAEL: Gee Tim, does it bother you that I'm not kowtowing in fear? > Susano bowed his head, JAMIE: Allowing Shinji the chance to slice it off. TIM : Hikeeba. >turned and walked out of the room. Just as he was about to >leave, he ducked, and Megane's sword swung out from the hallway, >cleanly over his head and embedded in the wall. ALICIA: So Megane swung a sword at him that was *already* embedded in a wall? And he *missed*? Megane, you *suck*! >He looked up and grinned. "Never try to assassinate a psychic, >Megane." TIM : And never throw batteries in the fire. They could explode. MICHAEL: Man, am I cool or what? JAMIE: You want me to answer that? > > After Megane and Susano had gone, Shinji turned and looked >upon his empty throne room. ALICIA : You know, they're right... you can conquer the world, but you still can't conquer loneliness. TIM: Oh, from "Chicken Soup for the Megalomaniacal Soul"? ALICIA: I got my copy signed! >He raised his left hand, JAMIE: Leaving nothing but a bloody stump on his arm. MICHAEL: SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL! SEIG HEIL! > and a eerily glowing pentacle > flared to life in the center of the floor. > Shinji paced a circle around the pentacle, JAMIE: That's not a very good workout, Tim. If you're gonna do laps, it should be around a football field to get a good sweat going. >examining it for breaks. Once satisfied that it was >whole and continuous, he walked to the star's center, TIM : I think I'll pay a visit to my old friend Gangrel. >reached into his pocket, and withdrew a >small red and white ball. ALICIA: @_@ TIM: Ummm...yeah. MICHAEL: I'm betting he summons Dennis Rodman. > "Nightbreak," he yelled, wheeling back in preparation for >throwing the ball. "I choose you!" JAMIE : As his next sex toy? ALICIA: Am I the only one picturing a Satanic Ash Ketchum, here? TIM: And his Black Pokeball... of EVIL! >Shinji threw the ball, [Jamie makes the sound of Shinji grunting with effort.] MICHAEL: Strike one! >and a beam of light lanced out from it, which coalesced into the >form of the demon Nightbreak. > Shinji shivered involuntarily, JAMIE: The air conditioning was overacting again. MICHAEL: Can we have Ling Ling in here for this scene? >as the temperature in the room dropped several degrees. ALICIA : Dammit, why does Nightbreak always have to mess with the thermostat when he's here? I hate having to wear a sweater... >He walked up to the newly summoned Hellspawn. TIM: Part of the new Extreme Pokemon line. Hellspawn, Surge, Gothfox, and Stompass. New this fall! JAMIE: Pokespawn? Nah, doesn't sound right. MICHAEL: Gothemon does, though. > "Hell..." the monster rasped, and looked down at Shinji. >"Spawn?" it queried. MICHAEL: What? Is Nightbreak reading the script? TIM: It's an overrated comic by a ego-bloated artist. Next question? > "We are in my chambers." Shinji replied. JAMIE [shudders]: Hopefully not the *bed* chambers... >"I am Lord Shinji, emperor of this world." TIM : And *your* psychic friend! MICHAEL: Call now! Operators are standing by! > "Hell?" Nightbreak asked, JAMIE: That's pretty much what I said when I found out. >intrigued by a being of such obvious power. TIM : You're *wonderful!* ALICIA : Ooh, I wonder if *he'll* go to the prom with me! > "I want you," began Shinji. MICHAEL: ... to want me! TIM : That's... kind of odd, boss. ALICIA: Like I said, I *knew* we'd gone too long without a lemon scene in this... >"To find the one called Susano. MICHAEL: If he fucks me up the ass, I'm gonna pound you, Tim. TIM : Geez! It's guilt by association day on the Satellite... >He is the Commander-In-Chief of >my military forces. ALICIA : And High Admiral of my fleet of bathtub toys. MICHAEL: And all around cool dude. >You are to assist him in any way you can on the next mission I >have assigned him to. Afterward, return to me for orders." TIM : And pick me up some lunch! A light salad, perhaps.... JAMIE : And no pranks either. Susano is still miffed over the water bucket incident. > "Hellspawn!" the demon replied, and vanished in a puff of foul >smelling smoke. ALICIA: That Nightbreak! He's a demon of few words, but man, what words they are! [MICHAEL and JAMIE cough and each wave a hand in front of their faces.] JAMIE: *Cripes*, did he ever cut the cheese! TIM: They call it the "Magical Fruit" for a reason... > > Megane walked off down the hall, grumbling and throwing guards >out of the way, JAMIE: He's pretty strong for a Starlight wannabe. ALICIA: That Megane 6.7 can throw helluva far! >until s/he >reached the door to hir dungeon, then a vicious grin grew on hir >face and s/he entered. MICHAEL: We're back to that PC crap again. > Megane looked down at hir slab, JAMIE: ... of beef. Soon a ferocious barbeque would start up that he would invite everyone to. >and at the small cat-girl that was currently chained to it. ALICIA: Of *course*! I should've known! We can't have the lemon scene without the whimpering female! MICHAEL: Or the over-sexed one. ALICIA: Nah, the presence of one of those would imply something consensual happening. TIM: To answer the age-old question, *this* is what's on RAW. > "So, my dear, shall we get started?" TIM : So, Lynxara, tell me about what you life in high school was like... MICHAEL: I see we're back to the impeachment hearings. > Lynxara looked up fearfully at Megane. "What are you going to >do with me?" she sobbed. JAMIE: Lady, if you can't figure it out by now, then I'm not going to tell you. ALICIA : Well, I was thinking we could watch a little *MacGuyver* and eat *unsalted* popcorn! GYAHAHAHAHA! TIM : GASP! You're mad! > "It's not so much what I'm going to do with you," s/he said, >reaching into the firepit and withdrawing a redhot branding >iron. JAMIE: Oh, how nice. Megane is gonna brand Lynxara and then let her run in the fields with the other catgirls. MICHAEL: Someone's been reading Gor novels again. TIM: o_O Urk... >"But what I'm going to do to you." MICHAEL: Uhm... recommend a good investment plan? ALICIA : After all, if you had any power, than all the control freaks out there wouldn't be able to vicariously live out their fantasies of dominating women! Right, guys? > "Say your prayers, little one," Megane hissed, and s/he seared >the iron into Lynxara's leg. JAMIE: AHH!!! Oh gods... oh gods... ALICIA [shaking her head]: When steam cleaning goes horribly wrong. TIM : Dun da dun... Bonanza... oh *gods*... MICHAEL: That'll leave a mark. >The stench of burning fur filled the air, and Lynxara screamed >in agony. ALICIA [wincing]: Ooh, Megane's really going to need some air freshener after *that*... MICHAEL: Kenneth Starr, ladies and gentleman! Lets give him a big hand! He'll be here for at least two more years! JAMIE [turning green]: Burning... flesh.... Ulp... oh gods... [Jamie passes out, hitting the floor face first.] ALICIA: I was wondering how long he'd last. Think we can handle the rest of this without wuss-boy, guys? MICHAEL: Sure. > After waiting long enough for the brand to sear itself >indelibly into the helpless Lynxara, Megane withdrew the iron >and placed it back in the rack. ALICIA: God only knows what other sinister household appliances Megane has in store for her! TIM : So, lunch? > "Well," said Megane. "Now that that unpleasantness is over, >shall we move on to more... enjoyable matters?" The s/he giggled MICHAEL: I think I've seen this movie before... ALICIA : Yaaaaaay!! I wanna play Banjo Kazooie and watch Pokemon! > "What are you going to do?" Lynxara cried, tears filling her >eyes. MICHAEL [sighing]: Guess. > "Shinji gave you to me for the evening," Megane hissed, moving >down near Lynxara's feet. "And I'll have you." ALICIA: Free cat-girls for loyal employees? I have to say, that's definitely a creative benefits package... MICHAEL: Where do I sign? > "No, please, no!" Lynxara cried. Megane's tongue touched her >ankle, and she soon felt it starting to go toward her crotch. ALICIA: By *itself*?! EWWWW!! TIM: Dang, Megane moves fast! >Lynxara twisted, trying to get away, but that only caused Megane to pull her chains tighter. MICHAEL: I'm betting Exdeath read a lot of Gor novels. TIM [blink-blinks]: Ummm... wait a sec... > "Please, don't!" she cried. She felt Megane's tongue now over >her pussy, ALICIA: I hear *one* cat joke, and I'm going to be forced to start smiting people. >licking it up and >down on her outer lips. She turned her head to one side. MICHAEL: And tried to think of England. ALICIA: Then she turned it in a full circle and puked green stuff up all over Megane. >Megane's hands separated her outer >lips and hir tongue shot itself toward Lynxara's clit, >flickering it and lickering it in small circles. TIM: I thought this looked familiar... MICHAEL: Lickering? Did he just type 'lickering'? ALICIA: Damn you, Exdeath!! You can't even put me in an *original* profoundly wrong rape scene! >"AHH... no... please... AHH... please stop..." Lynxara muttered >between hiccups. TIM : Aaaaaa. Aaaaaa. ALICIA: Give her some chewing gum. It'll clear those right up. MICHAEL: Or a drink of water. >But Megane bit her clit softly and pulled it with its teeth. A >scream came from Lynxara, her hands tried to get free but the >chains pulled tight. ALICIA: Which isn't really all that surprising, seeing as how they're manacles and all... >"No, please don't do this to me..." MICHAEL: Yeah, at least say... uhm... never mind. > Megane started to dart hir tongue inside of Lynxara's cunt >causing her to moan with every single touch of it over her >pussy. ALICIA : Look, either play outside or inside! Quit running in and out! >Lynxara tried to control herself but the sensation was taking >control of her. TIM [bitterly]: Yes, this would be Lemon Cliche #14 taking effect. >A finger replaced the tongue and it was licking its way toward >her breasts. ALICIA: So Megane ripped hir tongue out and replaced it with a finger and then the *finger* spontaneously grew a tongue and started licking... owie... [Alicia clutches her head in pain.] TIM: Well, at least Lynxara isn't levitating above the bed. >Hir tongue reached them and licked them in big circles but never >touched the nipples. Lynxara was crying for what was happening. MICHAEL: Hmmm... I think I saw this in "Wicked City". ALICIA: I'd be crying, too! Look, Megane, it's the *nipples* that are the erogenous part of the breast... TIM: He's not a very good sexual deviant, is he? > Another finger entered inside of her and both of them >increased their motion. The other hand grabbed her right nipple >and tugged it hard, making her cry louder. ALICIA: And why? Because Megane had ripped it CLEAN OFF! MICHAEL: Ewww... TIM: Umm...no more Red Serpent refs, *please?* >Megane was now trying to push >hir tongue into Lynxara's mouth but she clenched her teeth. ALICIA: I'd cheer at this point, but having read 'Games 6.7', I know exactly how long this is gonna last. TIM: I'm settling in already. >The fingers went more deep inside of >her and she released a big scream. MICHAEL: Found his car keys, I see. TIM: Don't make me shoot you, Mike. > Megane then pressed hir tongue inside of Lynxara's mouth and >played with her's. MICHAEL: Probably hide-and-go-seek. >Lynxara's tears >were now falling over her cheeks. ALICIA: As opposed to falling over her earlobes, I guess. >Megane then climbed over Lynxara, and twisted the catgirl's >legs around hir waist. Lynxara was prepared for the worst ALICIA: Hey! Just like us! MICHAEL: Another deposition in front of Congress? > "NO PLEASE, DON'T DO IT!!" Lynxara cried out of control. >Megane pulled hir fingers out of her pussy and ran them very >slowly over her mound, ALICIA: Now approaching the pitcher's mound... MEGANE'S FINGERS! >her stomach, the channel between her >breasts, her chin and then her mouth. Megane demanded "Lick >yourself, lick your own juices!!". TIM : Next, cross your eyes and stick out your tongue! MICHAEL: Eww... ALICIA: Big deal. Cats do that anyway. MICHAEL: But would you? ALICIA: ... > Lynxara tasted her juices on Megane's fingers and feebly >licked at them. MICHAEL : Tastes like chicken? TIM : Now smack yourself about the head vigorously! Those that do this shall become members of my new ruling class! > Megane crawled over her and now s/he demanded "Now you little >bitch, LICK ME!!". ALICIA: Lynxara then proceeded to utterly shred Megane's sensitive female parts with her sandpaper-like tongue. TIM: Like I said, Megane's a pretty dense sexual deviant. >Megane had moved into a 69 position. "LICK ME!!" s/he repeated. > Megane started to moan when Lynxara put her tongue over hir >pussy. Hir moans increased rapidly and soon s/he began thrashing >about on top of Lynxara, then collapsed on the helpless catgirl. ALICIA : Can't... breathe... TIM: Just like that, huh? MICHAEL: Doesn't take much to satisfy Megane, I see. > After several minutes, Megane recovered hir composure and got >to hir feet. "That was... satisfactory," Megane said, giggling, >and s/he began to exit. TIM : C+. Work on your grammar and choose a more solid thesis next time. ALICIA: Yes, sex is like pizza. Sometimes it's better than others, but it's never really bad. Unless you order thin crust. > "Wait!" Lynxara cried. "Are you just going to leave me chained >up here?" MICHAEL: What do *you* think? > "Why, yes, I am," Megane said evilly, and exitted the dungeon, >slamming and locking the huge, vault-like door behind him. ALICIA [blinks]: No rip-offs of 'That Girl!'? I'm downright shocked. Exdeath is actually showing us a little bit of mercy. JAMIE [slowly wakes up]: Uhhh... pain... no... no more burning flesh... ALICIA: Hey, wuss-boy's awake! JAMIE: Grrr... TIM: Oh, welcome back to the realm of the living, Jamie. [softly] Big baby. ^_^ JAMIE: I HEARD THAT!!! MICHAEL: Such children. > > Jolt and Samantha crested the last hill and looked on at the >awesome sight that greeted them: TIM: Scenic Topeka, Kansas! MICHAEL: Disneyland? >Shinjitropolis. JAMIE: And right beside it were Metropolis, Sonotropolis, SVAMtropolis... MICHAEL: Susanotropolis! TIM: You're just enjoying being a badass in this fic, aren't ya? > "My God," Jolt whispered. "It's incredible..." TIM : Why, thank you! > "I know what you mean," Samantha said. MICHAEL : Was it good for you too? JAMIE: GAH!!! >"It's just so... *big*." [Alicia begins giggling helplessly.] ALICIA: Um... damn, Exdeath's just giving them away now. TIM : She's actual size, but she seems much bigger to me. MICHAEL [laughing]: And it's long, and hard, and thick and ... JAMIE: MICHAEL!!! [Jamie thwaps Michael soundly upside the head with the Mighty Foam Bat of Justice (TM).] > Jolt and Samantha stopped and began to set up camp, in >preparation for the last leg of the journey to Shinjitropolis. JAMIE: Instead of doing something useful like *surveillance* or *recon*... TIM : Want some s'mores, honey? ALICIA: Jolt and Samantha always make a point of staying out in the open and along main roads, where they can be easily spotted. >Before they were even able to unpack, though, seven ninjas leapt >out of the bushes and surrounded the pair, brandishing >razor-sharp swords. MICHAEL: Ninjas, they're so wacky! TIM: Crap...it's that damn "Peaches" video again... ALICIA [blinks]: Well, *that* was fast. Y'know, I hate it when I'm camping and I get attacked by ninjas. Really ruins my day. > Samantha looked around quickly. "Oh, shit." JAMIE: Right then and there? Bad timing, Sam. > "Sam, what do you figure? Seven against two. And I'm tired, >too." > "Oh, come on, Jolt. You sure had alot of energy Saturday >night," Samantha said, then winked at Jolt. [JAMIE stares at the screen in stunned terror.] MICHAEL: Whoa... Jolt gets some! ALICIA [laughs]: Oh, *really*? Hey, would boffing your own Avatar be considered masturbation or incest? TIM: Interesting...we should add something to the 3A FAQ about that. [Jamie gets up, screams, and then proceeds to run about the theater for a few minutes, screaming his head off.] > Jolt flashed a wicked grin. "Right. JAMIE: Kill Exdeath!! Kill Exdeath!! >CAFFEINE..." Jolt's ki blast, however, was never >completed, as an unseen force blasted him across the clearing, >into one of the ninja, who restrained him. [JAMIE finally stops running about and sits down, breathing heavily.] TIM: Ummm...I think Samantha's about to be introduced into the wonderful career of jobbing... > A disembodied voice laughed. "Not likely, boy." ALICIA: Oh, GOD no! Chucky's in the fanfic to promote his next movie! TIM: ACK! > Samantha turned sharply, toward the source of the voice, just >in time to witness a vortex opening. JAMIE: Oh great... it's crossover with Sliders now. MICHAEL: Or Star Trek. >"The hell?" she exclaimed, as the vortex finished opening. A >huge, imposing figure strode out imperiously. JAMIE: Sephiroth? MICHAEL: Dark Schneider? ALICIA: Kahran Ramsus? > "Shinji," Samantha said. ALL: Oh. TIM: Hey! >"You bastard." JAMIE: But he hasn't killed anyone yet. > "Awww," sneered Shinji. "Is that a term of affection or do you >just not like me?" ALICIA: Shinji's dialogue supplied by classic Looney Tunes shorts. JAMIE [turns to Tim and growls]: Stop hitting on my characters, Eva boy. TIM: That's not me and Sam's a *fictional* character. > Samantha snarled, and her eyes went white as she channeled the >power of the dragon's soul imprisoned within her. MICHAEL: Cool, Sam just went Super Saiyajin! JAMIE: Whoa... how did Exdeath know about that? Even you guys can't get that fact straight most of the time. TIM: I thought she had a warrior soul. Hunk-ra the Invincible, perhaps? >"I'll kill you!" she screamed, JAMIE [sighs sadly]: Not likely... >as she leapt at Shinji, fury in her eyes. TIM: And... charge headlong into the arch-villian! ALICIA: Let the countdown to roast of vigilante begin! 5... 4... 3... 2... > Shinji rolled his eyes. "MEGA BRANDO!" he screamed, JAMIE: The new subcompany from 3M! Building your future! >and an explosion of magical energy >blew Samantha back. ALICIA: ... ONE! And there we go! > Samantha moved to get to her feet, JAMIE: Wow, that must have been some explosion to knock her feet off like that. >but Shinji never gave her the chance. "Fire 2!" he called >out, MICHAEL: Okay, what game is this? Final Fantasy? TIM: Yes, such a fear inspiring name for a spell. >the mystic fire searing Samantha to the bone. MICHAEL: Ow... that'll leave a mark. JAMIE [growling at Tim]: *Timothy*... TIM: Jamie...*Fiction*. Key word. JAMIE: Tim... *DIE*. Key word. > Samantha lay helpless, as all her energy was redirected to >healing her many wounds. She looked up in helpless horror as the >tyrant loomed over her and drew the Ultima sword. TIM: His... magata! *HUZZAH!* > "I grow tired of this, Jones," Shinji snarled, MICHAEL : Jones! >and he brought the Ultima sword down in an arc, >severing Samantha's torso in two. ALICIA: Tim, I *know* you didn't like having to work with Samantha during the NXE MiSTing, but I don't think that was *really* necessary. >Samantha's screams echoed through the forest. > "SAM!" Jolt screamed. "You asshole!" he swore at Shinji, TIM : You steal mens' *souls*! ALICIA : I swear, I'll give you *such* a pinch!! JAMIE: Swearing ain't the *only* thing I'm gonna do to you, Eva boy... TIM [getting up from his seat]: Jamie, it's an *anti-fic* what were you *expecting* to happen? >threw the ninja off, and ran at >Shinji. His mad rush was short-lived, however, ALICIA: Is there really any other *kind* of mad rush in this story? >as another of the ninja leapt at him and kicked >him in the head, ALL: BOOT TO THE HEAD! NAH, NAH! >knocking him unconscious. ALICIA: Taken out by a boot to the head from cannon fodder. I'm wondering exactly who's suffering more in this scene... TIM: The Foot Ninja and Putties have united and they will *not* be stopped! >The ninja drew his katana, to deliver the killing stroke. > "Kuroido, enough," rumbled Shinji. "We bring him with us." ALICIA: Kenny Blackwell?! What the... he's *done*, like, two MiSTings! And he never once called himself 'Kuroido' in those! That's just when he gads about in the chatroom! MICHAEL: A CLUE! JAMIE: Oh gods... Tim? TIM: What now, Jamie? JAMIE: I know what's coming... you know what's coming... all I ask is that you use lubrication so I can sit down without any discomfort the rest of my life, okay? TIM: THAT'S NOT ME UP THERE, YA DOOF! > "Hai!" yelled the ninja, then he resheathed his sword and >picked up the unconscious Jolt. > "X-ZONE!" screamed Shinji, and the group vanished through a >new vortex. ALICIA: You know, in Final Fantasy, that spell usually kills everyone who goes through the portal. Just felt the need to point that out. TIM: So that would mean...they're all dead?! HUZZAH! > >-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ -\|/-\|/-\|/-\|/ ALICIA: See?! See?! We're at the end of the story, and it's just MORE FIELDS! Manos, I tell you! MANOS!! JAMIE: Yay... the end... now start running, Eva boy. I'll give you a five second head start. TIM [Backing away]: Two words, Jamie: De-Caf. GYAHH! [Tim runs off stage, Jamie in pursuit.] ALICIA: Well, Mike, I guess we're under some obligation to save Tim's life. MICHAEL: Do we *have* to? ALICIA: Well, if we don't, Forrester will just send someone else up here, and their personal hygiene may be a lot worse. MICHAEL: Hmm... good point. [Alicia and Michael exit the theater.] [1-2-3-4-5-6] "Yes, Tim! Fight me! Stand and prepare to have your ass *smited*!!" Jamie bellowed, standing before Tim on one side of the Hell's bridge. Tim was wisely keeping Hell's control console between them. "Jamie! It was an anti-fic! That *wasn't* me up there! Calm *down*!" Tim tried to console him. Alicia and Michael stood slightly off to one side, carefully debating the best way to stop the impending violence. "Do we have a garden hose around here?" Alicia asked. "Great, then Jamie'll be wet *and* homicidal. Ten bucks says he kills Tim anyway," Michael replied. "Oh, *please*! The worst Jamie could possibly do is maim him. You're on!" The Secret Society of Mads were also watching the confrontation with some interest. Dr. Forrester seemed quite pleased with himself. "See? Utter insanity! I *knew* this one would do it!" Rufus Shinra, however, seemed somewhat dubious. "I will give you that, Forrester, but allowing Mr. Jeans to kill Mr. McLees seems to be somewhat counterproductive." Vine nodded. "Did you ever read that 'Knight on the Town' thing he did? We *must* have him to create the Ultimate Bad Fanfic!" Forrester pondered that for a moment, then relented. "Hmmm... true enough. But how can we defuse the situation from here?" That's when Observer left his intense game of Solitaire to approach the three evil overlords. "Ah... if I might suggest, sirs, something to allow the two young men to peacefully work out their differences?" "And what did you have in mind, Marselle Marceau?" Forrester asked. "DIE, TIMMY MAC!! DIE!" Jamie's voice sounded through the communication system. "Well..." The familiar noise of the Observer exercising his powers was heard, followed by two small popping noise on the Hell. Tim had spent the last few minutes circling the Hell's control console, intently keeping his distance from Jamie. Tim had tried a few explanations of the difference between fantasy and reality, but the irate Canadian was in no mood to listen. The fact that they were currently trapped beyond the Fourth Wall didn't add any credibility to his argument, either. That's when, with a cartoony-sounding popping noise, two red and white balls appeared on the center of the control console. The lights set into the balls were flashing brightly, indicating that they were ready to be used. Jamie recognized the little orbs for what they were, and shouted in triumph. "No!! You killed Samantha and kidnaped me! You must *pay*!" Jamie quickly grabbed one of the orbs, reared back, and hurled it in Tim's general direction. "Now... CHOOSE YOUR POKEMON!!" Tim ducked the incoming projectile, and blinked as it opened in mid-flight to emit a burst of energy that formed into a disgustingly cute little creature that crackled with electrical energy. "Pikachu!" it proclaimed in adorable menace. "You have *got* to be kidding me," Tim groaned. "What's wrong, Eva-boy? Do you *fear* the wrath of Pikachu? Select your pokemon, or forfeit the match!" Jamie proclaimed. Tim cast an irritated glance back at the strutting Canuck, briefly weighed his maturity against his desire for revenge, and opted for the latter when he decided nothing was worth losing to a corporate mascot. Tim grabbed the remaining pokeball, and tossed it towards Pikachu. "Whatever you are... I choose you!" It was goofy, but that's how they did it in the cartoon, and he figured it couldn't hurt. The ball sailed through the air, popped open, and in a burst of energy released a vaguely catlike creature. Standing at nearly seven feet tall, it towered over the tiny Pikachu, and glared down at the little electric pokemon intently. "Mewtwo," the creature breathed. A confident grin lit up Tim's face as Jamie gaped in horror. Michael and Alicia returned from elsewhere in the satellite, toting a garden hose, just in time to see the feline monstrosity. Alicia promptly dropped the hose and pulled Michael back into one of the corridors that lead away from the bridge. "What?" Michael asked, confused. "Trust me on this one, Mike. This is going to get ugly," she said. At roughly the same time, there was the resounding cry of "MEEEEWTWOOOOO!", followed by a shockwave of violet energy that was visible even from the darkened corridor. "The *fuck*?!" Michael exclaimed. He poked his head out of the corridor, and saw the tall catlike creature swishing its tail triumphantly. Its opponent, Pikachu, was currently sliding down from the now bent and smoking doors that usually lead into the theater. "Pika... chu," it muttered weakly, before slumping to the ground in defeat. Jamie quickly dashed to the wounded pokemon's side. He fell to his knees and gently cradled the little mouse-like creature in his arms, visibly weeping. "He... he'll never pika pi again... you *bastard*! Damn you, Tim McLees! DAMN YOU *STRAIGHT* TO *HELL*!!" Tim sighed as Jamie howled his grief out to the indifferent heavens. "Are you feeling better now, Jamie?" Jamie sniffled and cuddled the little pokemon. "Yeah, yeah. Just give me a few more minutes to sulk, okay?" Tim sighed, relieved that Jamie's desire to snap his spine had abated. He walked over to the open pokeball that Mewtwo had emerged from, picked it up, and held it expectantly out. "Mewtwo, return!" Mewtwo seemed to be either ignoring him or not listening. In any case, it certainly wasn't returning. Instead, the creature seemed to be glaring down at Jamie in a vaguely psychotic manner. "Mew... two..." it hissed. A chill passed down Jamie's spine as he looked up at the poke- monstrosity. In that moment, the fragile nature of human life suddenly seemed far more apparent to him than usual. "Um... you're supposed to return when I tell you to..." Tim tried to remind Mewtwo. Instead, that simply triggered the creature to cue up its massive violet psychic power aura and scream one final, bloodthirsty "MEEEWTWOOOO!!". Michael quickly ducked back into the concealing shadow of the corridor before the blasting and screaming started. "Told ya," Alicia reminded him. "Well, at least this isn't all bad," Mike muttered. "How so?" "If Mewtwo kills both of them, I don't owe you any money." It was on that note that, down in Deep 13, Oscar gave a dubious glance at Observer. "Isn't letting a pokemon kill everyone on the satellite *also* a bit counterproductive?" "I... look, I picked them at random..." Observer said defensively. "What are we going to do to recapture it?" Dr. Thinker asked anxiously. Dr. Forrester turned away from the Viewscreen and eyed Thinker irritably. "Look, unlike the rest of you people, I'm a *busy* mad scientist. I have a 5:30 appointment to send some new Crystal Knight to the SOL2, and I just can't afford to spend all my time babysitting this project! I brought you people on here for a reason, you know." The Doctor then headed off to another one of Deep 13's interface points, pausing only to drag Frank away from his Pocket Fighter tournament with Rocky Maivia. The other members of the SSM simply glanced at each other and shrugged. "We really need to talk to Forrester about cutting back," Oscar noted with a rueful shake of his head. "Yeah. So, how about lunch?" Rufus asked. The Secret Society of Mads then fell to arguing the merits of pizza versus Chinese food, Professor Bobo idly reaching over to the push the button when the screams trickling in from Hell's audio link got too loud to be heard over. PWOOSH! The sinister cry of "MEEEEWTWOOO!" rings out as the credits begin... ______________________________________________________________ LEGAL STUFF: Professor Bobo, TV's Frank, the Observer, Dr. Clayton Forrester, and the MST3K concept are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Heidegger and Rufus Shinra are the property of SquareSoft. Rocky Maivia and Vince McMahon are the property of Titan Sports and themselves. Oscar and Dr. Thinker are also the property of themselves. Mewtwo and Pikachu are the property of Nintendo. No licenses were given or implied in the making of this MiSTing, so please don't sue us. Alicia Ashby, Timothy McLees, Jamie Jeans, and Michael Surbrook are all TM & C their respective parents. :) The story riffed in this fanfic could be very loosely construed to be the property of His Imperial Highness Exdeath the Destroyer, in which case he's welcome to it. No copyright infringement is intended or should be construed by this MiSTing... especially since Exdeath didn't seem to be too worried about that when he wrote the fic. No insult is intended or should be implied towards Exdeath himself, as it's been found that he's not some highly incompetent flamer, but just veteran MiSTer Damien Karolev amusing himself by writing intentional bot fodder. I pray Damien develops less painful hobbies soon. ^_^ Alicia's Notes: Well, DSVAM 2 is finished... it was longer, and on the whole more pointless than the first one. However, it's tame in comparison to our next project... join us next time for *Dark Starr's* unauthorized contribution to the Dark SVAM saga, "Preparations." It'll either be a ton of fun, or kill me. Either way, an adventure. ^_^ Jamie's Notes: Oh joy... this is twice now I've seen my character killed. But at least she didn't join the lovely ranks of the sexually dominated. This DSVAM thing was really goofy so I never really got mad, just kinda bugged that Samantha got knocked off in such a manner. And really, I'm not mad at Tim... honestly... [Jamie chuckles evilly as he continues sharpening his battle axe...] Tim's Notes: It took its own sweet time, but its finally finished. Working with Alicia, Mike, and Jamie has been interesting to say the least. I'm finally getting back into my MSTing groove. As for Mystery Self-Insertion Theater...it looks like the sequel *nobody* asked for is coming up, courtesy of Dark Starr. Later, gang! Michael's Notes: It's done. I can't say it was that bad... but it wasn't that great. Still, I looked kinda cool, so I can't complain. Jamie on the other hand... Contact the Authors! Alicia: lynxara@hotmail.com Jamie: xwing@uniserve.com Tim: shinji_70@hotmail.com Michael: susano@otd.com ________________________________________________________________ > "I know what you mean," Samantha said. >"It's just so... *big*."